Are You in a High-Conflict Relationship?

Artwork by Lisa Nelson

Self-Assessment: Clarity Is the First Step to Healing

Some people wonder whether their relationship is truly high-conflict, or whether what they’re experiencing is just the normal ups and downs of being close to someone. This self-assessment can help you get clarity.

It’s not a diagnostic tool, and it won’t solve anything on its own. But it might help you understand the patterns and dynamics that are playing out between you — and that kind of clarity is often the first step toward real, lasting change.

Do these statements feel true for you?

• We fight about little things that explode into something much bigger.

• Our fights can drag on for days before we’re able to reconnect — if we reconnect at all.

• “Making up” feels like sweeping things under the rug.

• Our fighting has started to affect our family, children, or even friendships.

• I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting off another argument.

• I feel ashamed of how I speak or behave during conflict.

• We’ve said things in anger that still sting and feel impossible to take back.

• Sometimes, our arguments cross emotional, psychological, or even physical boundaries.

• I long for peace, intimacy, and a sense that we’re on the same team.

• Even when we’re not actively fighting, it can feel like we’re stuck in a cold war — with silent treatment, stonewalling, passive-aggressive comments, or emotional withdrawal used as weapons.

If you said yes to three or more…

Your relationship may be stuck in a high-conflict pattern. But this is not the end of the story. I’ve witnessed profound, inspiring transformations — and I know, both from my work and my own experience, that it is possible to create a healthy, dynamic relationship where conflict is replaced by understanding, respect, and collaborative problem-solving.

Why High-Conflict Relationships Feel So Hard — And How to Begin Healing

It’s not just about “bad communication.” High conflict often comes from the very human difficulties we all face when we feel hurt, afraid, or unseen. Many of my clients feel:

• Afraid of being a bad person or failing at love

• Unable to tolerate discomfort without lashing out or shutting down

• Overwhelmed and unable to calm themselves — or each other — during stress

• Unskilled at expressing needs kindly and hearing their partner’s needs without defensiveness

• Burdened by guilt and shame that make it harder to repair

• Caught in patterns of fear and control, where hurt becomes blame, withdrawal, or aggression

These are nervous system responses — not just character flaws or failures of will. When the body is in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, it’s hard to access empathy, perspective, or even language. This is why nervous system work is a cornerstone of my practice. I help people learn to self-regulate and co-regulate so they can reconnect before conflict takes over.

What Every Relationship Needs to Thrive: The Triangle of Connection, Safety, and Selfhood

I teach couples about what I call the Triangle of Needs — the three fundamental needs every relationship must honour:

• Connect — to feel seen, loved, and close

• Protect — to feel safe, respected, and able to trust

• Individuate — to feel like yourself, free to grow and express your own identity

When these needs are unmet or out of balance, conflict becomes inevitable. One partner may feel suffocated while the other feels abandoned. One may feel unsafe while the other feels unseen. Restoring balance among these needs allows you both to feel secure, connected, and free — and to grow together instead of apart.

My Approach to Healing High-Conflict Relationships & Intimacy

I’ve supported many people through high-conflict dynamics — and not just couples in the traditional sense. I work with open relationships, polyamorous configurations, relationship anarchy, chosen family structures, and other relational constellations that deserve just as much support, dignity, and guidance.

Together, we rebuild trust, create safety for vulnerability, and strengthen your capacity for empathy and connection. We also work honestly and gently with sexual intimacy — whether that means rebuilding touch after a rupture, exploring desire after betrayal or trauma, or opening new pathways to erotic connection.

Unlike traditional couples counselling, my work integrates psychological insight with nervous system regulation tools, sacred sexuality, and shamanic understanding. We explore not only the behavioural patterns but the energetic, ancestral, and soul-level teachings your relationship may be offering.

We may create a family altar, practise sacred touch or tantric exercises, or use blue lotus to soften your hearts. We may invite your guides, ancestors, or spirit allies into the work. Sometimes we journey, sometimes we simply breathe and listen. This work honours your full humanity — spiritual, erotic, emotional, and embodied.

And because much of this work is deeply personal, I offer individual sessions alongside joint sessions, so each of you has a safe place to explore your own needs, stories, and blocks to connection.

Should You Break Up or Stay Together? Understanding Your High-Conflict Relationship

If you’ve been asking yourself, “should I break up or divorce?”, you don’t have to decide yet. Before you walk away, give yourselves a chance to try something different. Your relationship can feel safe, loving, and alive again.

Stop Fighting, Start Healing: Support for Transforming High-Conflict Relationships into Securely Attached Ones

You don’t have to keep living this way. You don’t have to choose between losing yourself and losing each other. You can grow together. It is entirely possible to have a conflict-free, healthy relationship, where fights become gentle conversations and opportunities for connection.

If you’re ready to see what’s possible, reach out. Whether you come alone, together, or both, we can begin to build something new.

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