Why Relationship Structures Should Be Adaptive, Not Rigid
Relationships are not static; they grow, shift, and challenge us. Some feel trapped by monogamy but fear the unknowns of nonmonogamy. Others open their relationships only to realise they weren’t prepared for the emotional complexity. Many struggle with differing needs—one partner wanting openness, another craving stability. In multi-partner dynamics, different relationships within the constellation may require different boundaries, which adds another layer of negotiation.
Instead of choosing a fixed category, many people find that relationships function best when they allow for fluidity—adjusting to life’s changes rather than forcing a static model.
This is where the concept of relational fluidity comes in. Rather than forcing relationships into rigid boxes, we can co-create structures that are flexible, intentional, and adaptive.
Relational Fluidity: A New Framework for Love
Jorge N. Ferrer, in Love and Freedom: Transcending Monogamy and Polyamory, argues that monogamy and nonmonogamy are often treated as static categories when, in reality, relationships are dynamic ecosystems. Instead of being permanently open or closed, partners can create context-sensitive agreements that shift over time.
Examples of Relational Fluidity in Action:
The New Parents: A couple who had been in an open relationship for years shifts to a more monogamous structure while adjusting to parenthood, recognising that their emotional bandwidth is limited. As their child grows, they revisit the conversation, seeing if openness still feels aligned.
The Healing Process: One partner in a triad is going through a period of personal healing—perhaps from a loss, a career change, or burnout. During this time, they request more exclusivity within their primary connection while still maintaining emotional closeness with their other partner. Once they feel stable again, they explore expanding their dynamic again.
The Long-Distance Shift: A couple who has been monogamous for years faces a temporary separation when one partner takes a job opportunity abroad. Rather than seeing this as a threat, they agree to open their relationship during the time apart, allowing space for new experiences while maintaining their deep emotional commitment.
The Bisexual Partner in a Heterosexual Relationship: A woman in a long-term relationship with a man realises she wants to explore her attraction to other women. Rather than disrupting their existing connection, they co-create an agreement where she can explore same-gender connections while keeping their primary relationship emotionally intact.
The Asexual Partner in a Polyamorous Relationship: An asexual person in a polyamorous constellation has deep romantic and emotional connections but no desire for sex. Their partners create agreements that honour their emotional intimacy while allowing others to explore sexual connections elsewhere without diminishing the value of the asexual partner’s role in the relationship.
The Growth-Oriented Expansion: A couple who has practised strict monogamy for years begins to explore the idea of nonmonogamy after attending a workshop on relationship diversity. They start small—discussing desires, setting agreements, and gradually expanding their relationship structure in ways that feel safe and intentional.
These examples show that relationship structures don’t need to be fixed decisions—they can be living agreements that respond to life’s natural shifts.
Why Adaptive Relationship Structures Work Better
Traditional relationship models assume that once we make a decision—monogamy or nonmonogamy—it should remain unchanged. But Ferrer and other thinkers argue that this rigidity sets us up for failure. Instead, relationships thrive when they allow for:
Regular Check-Ins: Partners reassess their structure at set intervals (e.g., quarterly or annually) rather than waiting for a crisis.
Emotional Responsiveness: Agreements shift based on personal and relational needs—providing security and flexibility.
Mutual Understanding: Partners co-create rather than impose structures, respecting that desires and boundaries evolve.
Growth-Oriented Commitment: The goal is not to rigidly adhere to a category but to nurture a relationship that supports both autonomy and connection.
How to Implement an Adaptive Relational Model
If you’re interested in moving towards a more fluid, adaptive relational structure, here’s how to start:
Have an open conversation about what kind of relationship currently feels right for you and your partners.
Acknowledge differences—it’s normal for partners to have different comfort levels, and working through them with care is part of the process.
Create a flexible agreement that can be adjusted over time, rather than making permanent, binding decisions.
Commit to check-ins—whether monthly, quarterly, or annually—to reassess how your relationship structure is feeling for everyone involved.
Prioritise emotional care—navigating relational fluidity isn’t just about agreements; it’s about learning to hold space for evolving needs.
How I Support This Process
In my practice, I guide individuals, couples, and relationship constellations through these conversations, supporting them in exploring their desires, needs, and fears. Whether you are considering opening a relationship, refining your agreements, or navigating emotional complexity, I offer tools and insights to help you build a structure that works for you.
I support this process by:
Helping individuals and partners express their desires, needs, and fears with clarity.
Navigating difficult emotions like insecurity, fear, and jealousy in ways that strengthen connection rather than create distance.
Navigating disclosure guilt and internalised shame.
Avoiding common pitfalls, such as assumptions, lack of communication, or agreements that don’t account for change.
Creating healthy, safe agreements that serve everyone involved.
Facilitating ceremonies and rituals to mark transitions or milestones in relationships.
Holding private retreats and workshops where individuals and partners can explore deepening their connections in safe, creative, and expansive ways.
Relational fluidity is not about having all the answers upfront—it’s about creating a structure that allows for change and supports who you are becoming.
If this resonates with you and you're looking for support, let’s connect. I’d love to help you build a relationship that truly works for you.
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